Lost in confussion...

I feel troubled... what would you do if u really like a guy, even if he goes against the current of your life?

I like biggles a lot, sometimes he's really sweet, thoughtful... and some other stuff about him just makes me wanna be with him. But I just don't know what to do about it. So far, I can't even find any flaw in his character at all. I enjoy talking to him, and I feel like I want know everything about him, every small little detail.
But at the same time, I want to stay away from him. CY has told me not to flirt around with guys when I told her about chatting with him. She doesn't know much, just the fact that we talk quite a lot. Did I realise I was flirting? I'm not sure, maybe... but I'd rather be in denial. But now there's the whole issue of sending wrong signals. Is it wrong to flirt with him if he already knows that he is not the type who would fit into my mould of someone I want to be with? I'm scared of being accused of leading him on.
I was sincere about wanting to be able to care about him and all that but he reminds me of Ozee. With Ozee, I had to warn him that just as he was the person I loved most, I didn't want him to place too much trust in me because I was aware that I would disappoint him. I wish I hadn't told biggles now that I did care. Because in a way, I'm scared of him and I want to avoid him. But now, I have to think about whether I would hurt him if I did so. And the last thing I want was to hurt him. But will I hurt him more if I continued talking to him? How do I draw a clear line for him to see that I need to keep my distance from him?

He has already dug into one of my worst traits, a weakness that I despise. Sensitivity... I don't want to care too much about people because I don't want to get hurt. And within a short period, he already managed to get to me. I hate being sensitive because I don't want to cry. Telling him about how I cried over Ozee's smoking issue... I don't think he would ever understand something like that. It meant a lot to me that Ozee would quit smoking for me. After he promised over and over. And how often I felt let down... so much so that I lost all hope in him. It wasn't the smoking part that really got to me. It was the thoughts that ran through my head, the need to scream at him that I didn't want to care if he continued to smoke or not, because I didn't want to feel that the person I loved most has betrayed my trust and made me lose hope.
In a way, I felt hurt too when biggles admitted that he had lied to me. At first, I think it didn't seem so bad. He said he had never had sex before, then later he changed his answer. When he mentioned it, I hadn't reacted much to it. I just thought, well, I can't expect him to be telling the truth about everything. But then later I just started crying. I really wanted to just ignore him, say goodbye and let it all end there. So I did... but when he asked if it was a goodbye for now or forever, it got me wondering. Was I over reacting? I liked him, he had his reasons for saying what he did... and I need to place him in a position of being just an online friend. Nothing more. I have different standards for different people, and if I wanted him to be just an online friend, I had to treat him that way. After all there was not much point in staying angry and crying over something stupid. Might as well, ignore the entire thing, pretend all is well and act happy.

Hmmm.... back to the avoiding issue, I still hadn't made up my mind. I want to avoid him for at least the moment. He really is distracting me from my studies =( And I have to be careful about how I answer his questions and everything. Sometimes I say what is on my mind, sometimes I hide things. The answer to the question on what was the last thing on my mind before I sleep, was the daily events... I go through the interesting things that happened during the day. I can't help it if he was my 'daily event' for the past 2 days =( ARRGGGHHH!!! I just feel like shoving him off a ledge or something!!!

Why is it that I had to like someone like him??? At least for the moment, whenever I think about it, I feel like I could care for him in a sisterly way... it's a could, but it's not exactly there coz I sometimes wonder what it would be like to kiss him T_T Incest??? =P ^_^

I'm hoping that Cy's return back here today can help me take my mind of him. I think he popped online just awhile ago, but from the looks of it, he's not on now. I want to avoid talking to him T_T Gonna keep myself invi for now. I'm not sure if I'll retain invi all day or just during the day. He keeps asking me if I'm bored :P Well, maybe, sometimes, I'm preparing myself to be bored of him very soon... how many questions can u ask about a person before there is nothing left to ask? But sometimes even if I'm a tad bored and not saying anything, I don't want him to leave. I like his company... but there's also the problem of liking his company a little too much T_T

I predict my grades are seriously going to go down the drain this sem. Does it matter? Grades vs Friends... friends I think. But only if I can handle the situation, which I can't at the moment.

Mood: Still thinking about pushing him off a ledge... I'm not interested in losing control of my life. Not all over again just after starting to get used to not having Ozee around. I need hugz =(