*Hearts Aflutter*

Heheheh... that's my current online status.

Let's see... things have been moving along quite fast. At the beginning, I really did have a lot of doubts about Jin, apart from his 'history', there a lot more. Our huge differences, he's in Aus, I have Zera (which was techinically a diff issue once Jin said he was more interested in a personal level)... generally, I think that I was feeling really scared of him. Most of the time, I felt that I would rather be a friend then anything closer because it'd hurt a lot less from that position.

But after awhile, I went on to think that I really did like him. And I can't stand the idea of having to be so uncomfortable with him over this issue. I've been avoiding him for that reason and it just seems silly, sometimes I have to force myself to PM him just to tell myself how stupid it is. Most of the time with him, I try to play it cool, in hopes that he would just give up, but he never changes. He's still the same charming and sweet guy that I keep falling over for ^_^. So at one point, I just threw everything aside (not literally though), and thought about giving it a shot with him. Even if it ends up with a disaster, and me being hurt (which is such a big fear for me), I wanted to take the chance and at least experience a period of bliss =)

It was quite funny, I really didn't know how to tell him that I've changed my mind, and I just wanted to do something wild and whacky. Even to the point that I was considering saying it straight out, asking him to be my bf =P I spent the whole time in class thinking about him and what to do, and was going to do it through an sms. I'm not sure if it's fortunately or unfortunately, but apparently he can't receive sms from overseas. So he never got my starting message.

When I got back from class, I think i chickened out of the idea. What I did instead was to propose to him LOL. This is getting silly. I started of being mean by just announcing to him that he was invited to the wedding between Calv and I though. My priest would be marrying his merchant. Calv wanted to marry his priest to my merchant to but I rejected that. Anyway, Jin was like...'Oh'. And I felt really bad at doing that, but I wanted to do the next part of proposing to him. And I asked him if he would like to marry my sin. I wasn't prepared for the meteor shower he was about to throw at me right after that. Rejection alone I could handle but how he said it was like throwing one meteor at me after another. After the whole day of thinking about him and wanting to make it work, he got me confused again. He said he didn't want to hurt me. And something about being a horn dog who can't be tied down (this was like a real slap in the face coz it's one of my biggest worries). Then he added a few more things... After that, I just didn't know what to say. I kept quiet or played cool most of the time.

Some time later, just as I was about to quit RO, he messaged me again, asking to meet him in Byalan with my sin to give me something. I honestly thought it was just gonna be another present. But what a shock I received when I got there. He did a really long and romantic proposal, got on his knees, said he was sorry about what he said earlier and gave me a diamond ring ^_________^. And all my reaction was at that time was "..." LOL. But although it was romantic, I guess I couldn't get his previous words out of my head so I had to ask if he really was sure about what he was doing. And having said that he was, we're gonna get married =)

We spent the next few hours just sitting there and talking, about the things he did for me and to avoid me (making a priest, sitting down when I'm with him coz I like the way a priest sits, leaving the guild coz he didn't like having to see his name on top of mine everytime) and I told him my parts as well. I was being honest when I said that he made my heart flutter. He just puts a smile on my fave everytime I get a message from him. I think a lot of feeling came pouring out at that time. He was telling me that suddenly, I'm not acting with the 'jual mahal' attitude I always have =P
We both realise that this is problably not going to work out though. His words were like, this is like a train ride, and we know it's going to crash, but we both just can't help it anyway. Instantly, I thought about how I wanted to be with him even though I know it would most likely not work out. So I was telling him that I'm aware of the crash, but I wanted to give it a shot because I figured that the ride with him would be worthed it.
We got to know each other a little more by just sitting and chatting, finding out what common interests (very few) and what differences exists.

When I think about him, I feel that my whole life, is a pretty straight road. Quite predictable... although not entirely accurate, I pretty much know where I'm headed. I've made very few departures from the main road throughout my life. The biggest departure was for Ozee. He was another one who clashed greatly with my life, and yet, he was also the one who taught me a lot. He pointed out a lot of new things that I've never known and never felt. Being with him is something that I don't ever regret but there were quite a number of downturns during that period as well.
He made me decide that my next boyfriend had to fit in better. I had a lot of expectations from who I would want to spend my time with together. I never expected that Jin would just enter into my life and threw it all away again =) I'm worried that it might be the same problem though... falling hard for someone but always thinking at the back of my head that he could never really be the one. Only because I'm afraid of letting someone too different to enter too closely into my life to have a great affect on it. It was hard with Ozee, and if things go well with Jin, it'll probably be hard for me again. How do you tell someone you love that you don't want to continue for a long time only because of some personal insecurities? I've always been afraid of things like this in my life. I've taken very few steps to actually approach my fear and face them like I do to some other issues.

But anyway, for the moment there's really nothing to think about. We're just hanging about each other, talking on the phone (I called him up again ^_^)... personally I'm thinking about him almost all the time, dreaming about what it'd be like to meet him, and wondering where this is headed. But one thing for sure, he really has manage to plaster a smile on my face =P I feel happy when he laughs, and it's quite funny coz I tell him not to laugh at me. And then he scolds me for saying that coz I don't want him to be sad but when he's not sad and he's laughing, I tell him not to =) Okay, I'll let him laugh at me all he wants but inside my head I'll probably be whacking on the head or something =P Right now, I'm longing for a hug from him. Whether or not I'll get it eventually is something we'll just have to wait and see. But I really really hope to be able to get it ^_^