Shattered perceptions

Sometimes I think that perhaps wondering or thinking too much about things make situations worse.

I don't usually have any doubts about my relationships. Generally, my boyfriend can go out with anyone for all I care... mainly because I trust him and have never doubted his faithfulness.
But recently, I begin to have more doubts.
I think it started off the last time he had an arrangement to meet a girl who told him to catch up with her before he left to go back home. So they did... He told me about it and even asked for my permission before doing so. And truth be told, I didn't really care.
But on that day itself, my friends kept asking me why didn't I care. It made me wonder a little. To an effect that I even thought, is it possible that I don't care enough about him to be bothered about this? I know for a fact that I am a jealous person, a lot of small things can make me green even if those things are silly. So much so that I avoid letting it show anymore because I feel that it makes me seem silly and petty to a crazy point. It was true that his outing didn't bother me at first. But by the time evening came, and he wasn't even back yet, I began to wonder. I've always complained that I could never really communicate with someone like him... is it possible for him to find someone who could? When he finally got back and told me his story, which he described it as a boring day with nothing done, I felt a bit suspicious about it all. Considering how long he was gone, was it really true? But I totally ignore the entire event after that.

Today came to me as another big shock. I got a call out of the blue in the afternoon. From him. He told me that he'd been out today. Felt really bored and stuffy, so he just had to go out. Took the ERL to MidValley, watched a movie and bumped into a girl he knew after the show. She treated him to lunch in Pizza Hut. And then suddenly, another friend, a common friend, saw him with her and gave him the look which said, I never expected that from you. He got all worried and guilty and called me straight away.
I laughed at the whole event. Even teased him about it. I didn't feel bothered about it. But later, I noticed that I had 4 missed calls on my hp. Wow... had he been that guilty? The day went on and on. Nothing interesting happened. But at night when I finally logged on to use the net and chat, I messaged him and teased him, too tired from your little fling today? He's usually sleeping if I don't get a reply from him. No reply... after awhile of surfing, not really having anyone to talk to, I started having all those weird thoughts in my head again.
The more I got a chance to think about it, the more the entire situation made me curious... is it ever possible for him to cheat on me? A lot of evidance point towards no... considering that he hardly ever goes out anywhere without me or his guy friends. But I can't help but wonder about the possibility. I feel like I'm beginning to trust him less and less.
He later messaged me saying that he was asleep when I messaged, relieved as I was to finally hear from him (I needed a break from all those silly thoughts), I can't help but think about my opening message for him. And now... all this stupid things flowing through my head are coming out here.

I've enough about talking about all these. Writing about it forces me to think about it more, and I think it's better to stick to my heart than my head. After all, my instant reactions always tell me that I trust him... it's only when using my head that I began to doubt.

Mood : Half moody, half tired... I'm chatting with him now but he doesn't seem to be making me any happier

Lesson : Don't joke/tease about something you're not prepared to accept. If the joke falls flat, you may be the only one left flat on your face