Feeling Lost...

Something happened yesterday...

I haven't been writing for ages but I suddenly feel the need to put something down.
Yesterday, my boyfriend was feeling down and rather pissed off. At first I just took it lightly, he gets pissed off a lot... well, at least that's how I feel. Anyway, he's been going through a lot. He had a fight with his folks a few days back and the day after I got really mad at him as well. And then the day after that, feeling lonely, he told me something about his past that I never heard before.

Anyway, this time it was about his recent exam paper... I think it was International Finance. He kept blaming the lecturer saying she's a B**** and all, because the exam questions were nothing like her tutorials, and her whole class was failing under her. I don't if it's really true. He always had a tendency to exegerate things... was she really that bad? Or could it just be him that's saying all this because he can't pass through this paper easily?

Well, thing is, now he thinks he's gonna fail the paper, and has to sit for supp. He's not even sure about passing that one. And because of just this paper, he may have to extend another semester here, maybe 2 if they don't offer the subject next sem.

Which brings me to the big problem that happened... he told his parents to cut him out financially if he doesn't graduate this sem. I was like.... WHAT??? Ok, so I don't think that he'll really have a hard time, he'll be going through a lot. But it's only one subject... working and studying isn't really a problem. But I can't see how something like that should happen. But I have heard that Malaysia is different from some other countries in the fact that parents support their kids all the way till they're done studying. A lot of cultures let you go 'free' once you hit college or uni and then it's a matter of working part-time to help support yourself. But this doesn't seem right. So at first I was all worried, and he kept reassuring me that he'll be fine. But later, a new problem arose.

Now I'm feeling all self-centered. I've got my own worries to think about apart from his. If he's gonna stay here for 2 more sems, am I going to be tied down to him further? It's always been taken for granted that while he's here, we'll be together. A lot of people used to think that the short term contract made us less serious and will limit our relationship. I think it's the other way... it made us stick together longer. If it wasn't for the break up when he leaves contract, I may have broken up with him a long time ago. But I kept holding on telling myself, it's only awhile more...

It's not that I don't love him. But now... just as I'm poreparing myself for my time alone, he's gonna stick around again. And once again he managed to turn my entire life plans around. I don't know how to feel about it. I think I do need some time alone... so should I break up with him? Will it be hard to break up with him and maybe still see him around for the next few months? Will we be friends or will he hate me? I told him I needed to talk to him. But only after my exams. He seems happy... he's happy about his decision. He likes the freedom. Isn't it my role now to stand by and support him? I guess I still have a few days before deciding on further action.

But this is really thwarting my calm study mood. I'd like to be focusing solely on my exams but that's not gonna happen.

Mood : Dunno who I wanna kill now, me or him?