Footsteps on the beach

The journey of my life as I walk along. If time and tide fades all memories, perhaps some will remain scattered along my path...

Name:
Location: Malaysia

Friday, February 18, 2005

*Hearts Aflutter*

Heheheh... that's my current online status.

Let's see... things have been moving along quite fast. At the beginning, I really did have a lot of doubts about Jin, apart from his 'history', there a lot more. Our huge differences, he's in Aus, I have Zera (which was techinically a diff issue once Jin said he was more interested in a personal level)... generally, I think that I was feeling really scared of him. Most of the time, I felt that I would rather be a friend then anything closer because it'd hurt a lot less from that position.

But after awhile, I went on to think that I really did like him. And I can't stand the idea of having to be so uncomfortable with him over this issue. I've been avoiding him for that reason and it just seems silly, sometimes I have to force myself to PM him just to tell myself how stupid it is. Most of the time with him, I try to play it cool, in hopes that he would just give up, but he never changes. He's still the same charming and sweet guy that I keep falling over for ^_^. So at one point, I just threw everything aside (not literally though), and thought about giving it a shot with him. Even if it ends up with a disaster, and me being hurt (which is such a big fear for me), I wanted to take the chance and at least experience a period of bliss =)

It was quite funny, I really didn't know how to tell him that I've changed my mind, and I just wanted to do something wild and whacky. Even to the point that I was considering saying it straight out, asking him to be my bf =P I spent the whole time in class thinking about him and what to do, and was going to do it through an sms. I'm not sure if it's fortunately or unfortunately, but apparently he can't receive sms from overseas. So he never got my starting message.

When I got back from class, I think i chickened out of the idea. What I did instead was to propose to him LOL. This is getting silly. I started of being mean by just announcing to him that he was invited to the wedding between Calv and I though. My priest would be marrying his merchant. Calv wanted to marry his priest to my merchant to but I rejected that. Anyway, Jin was like...'Oh'. And I felt really bad at doing that, but I wanted to do the next part of proposing to him. And I asked him if he would like to marry my sin. I wasn't prepared for the meteor shower he was about to throw at me right after that. Rejection alone I could handle but how he said it was like throwing one meteor at me after another. After the whole day of thinking about him and wanting to make it work, he got me confused again. He said he didn't want to hurt me. And something about being a horn dog who can't be tied down (this was like a real slap in the face coz it's one of my biggest worries). Then he added a few more things... After that, I just didn't know what to say. I kept quiet or played cool most of the time.

Some time later, just as I was about to quit RO, he messaged me again, asking to meet him in Byalan with my sin to give me something. I honestly thought it was just gonna be another present. But what a shock I received when I got there. He did a really long and romantic proposal, got on his knees, said he was sorry about what he said earlier and gave me a diamond ring ^_________^. And all my reaction was at that time was "..." LOL. But although it was romantic, I guess I couldn't get his previous words out of my head so I had to ask if he really was sure about what he was doing. And having said that he was, we're gonna get married =)

We spent the next few hours just sitting there and talking, about the things he did for me and to avoid me (making a priest, sitting down when I'm with him coz I like the way a priest sits, leaving the guild coz he didn't like having to see his name on top of mine everytime) and I told him my parts as well. I was being honest when I said that he made my heart flutter. He just puts a smile on my fave everytime I get a message from him. I think a lot of feeling came pouring out at that time. He was telling me that suddenly, I'm not acting with the 'jual mahal' attitude I always have =P
We both realise that this is problably not going to work out though. His words were like, this is like a train ride, and we know it's going to crash, but we both just can't help it anyway. Instantly, I thought about how I wanted to be with him even though I know it would most likely not work out. So I was telling him that I'm aware of the crash, but I wanted to give it a shot because I figured that the ride with him would be worthed it.
We got to know each other a little more by just sitting and chatting, finding out what common interests (very few) and what differences exists.

When I think about him, I feel that my whole life, is a pretty straight road. Quite predictable... although not entirely accurate, I pretty much know where I'm headed. I've made very few departures from the main road throughout my life. The biggest departure was for Ozee. He was another one who clashed greatly with my life, and yet, he was also the one who taught me a lot. He pointed out a lot of new things that I've never known and never felt. Being with him is something that I don't ever regret but there were quite a number of downturns during that period as well.
He made me decide that my next boyfriend had to fit in better. I had a lot of expectations from who I would want to spend my time with together. I never expected that Jin would just enter into my life and threw it all away again =) I'm worried that it might be the same problem though... falling hard for someone but always thinking at the back of my head that he could never really be the one. Only because I'm afraid of letting someone too different to enter too closely into my life to have a great affect on it. It was hard with Ozee, and if things go well with Jin, it'll probably be hard for me again. How do you tell someone you love that you don't want to continue for a long time only because of some personal insecurities? I've always been afraid of things like this in my life. I've taken very few steps to actually approach my fear and face them like I do to some other issues.

But anyway, for the moment there's really nothing to think about. We're just hanging about each other, talking on the phone (I called him up again ^_^)... personally I'm thinking about him almost all the time, dreaming about what it'd be like to meet him, and wondering where this is headed. But one thing for sure, he really has manage to plaster a smile on my face =P I feel happy when he laughs, and it's quite funny coz I tell him not to laugh at me. And then he scolds me for saying that coz I don't want him to be sad but when he's not sad and he's laughing, I tell him not to =) Okay, I'll let him laugh at me all he wants but inside my head I'll probably be whacking on the head or something =P Right now, I'm longing for a hug from him. Whether or not I'll get it eventually is something we'll just have to wait and see. But I really really hope to be able to get it ^_^

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

Happy Birthday Jin

Hmm.... funny how things work. I spend the whole day with him on my mind, a smile on my face and at night, I wait eagerly just to see him online.
And yet, when I finally do see him, all that was spoken was just a few lines. And then we both went off... I guess it didn't help that I said something stupid like 'sometimes you make my heart flutter'. Which was kind of true... and yet, it is not something one needs to hear. After that, we both just didn't know what to say, so I decided to work on my assignment, and he said he wanted to go to sleep. *Sigh...
I forgot to tell him that I wanted to owe him a birthday meal though ^_^ Hehehe, hours and hours after I supposedly left to do my work, all I did was read a few pages and lay in bed. Can't focus (this is bad... if I got hooked on to another one of these things again, I can wish my grades goodbye yet again), so much for aiming to finish 2 assignments tonight. Even if I stay up till dawn, I'll most likely be able to complete only 1 of them, the easier one >.<
Anyway, just thought I'd add in the reason behind my smile for today (apart from Jin himself ^_^):


Anyway, my birthday is coming. I can't wait... not because of presents or parties (since none of these things really exists when it comes to my birthday) but our group, Kogila, CY, Aneeta, Montha & I have been gathering four birthday celebrations at that Telepon buffet BBQ Steamboat place. It's always great fun, just grabbing food, screaming at the smoke, chasing for ice cream despite being stuffed up to our ears with food and just chatting the night away. It's something that I really look forward to. So far, Kogila, CY and I have confirmed our spots ^_^ Just need the other 2 and we're set! Looking forward to watching the JLo movie Shall We Dance as well. Not too big a fan of hers but an occasional romance dance type of movie seems like a good spoonful of sugar for my heart LOL. Well, not so sure about that but I do want to watch it.
Oh, and given a choice, I think I'd love to drag Jin out to that BBQ Steamboat place for dinner. Hardly romantic but always a great place for a good time =)

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

....

I find that most of the times, I don't really have my to write about in here. After all, how sad can you seem, if your life revolves totally around an online game?

However today, a lot seemed to have happened. Even if it's still just my gaming life, I feel that this is something I would seriously like to remember ^_^.
But an update on my real life, I've gotten accepted by my 2nd company for a industrial training position. Although I've already accpeted a position with KPMG, it's still nice to know that EY has offered me a position to train with them.

For the past few days, I have been wondering. Am I still attracted to Zera? It's nothing to do with being attracted in real but obviously, it would help since he's my RO bf. I don't really spend that much time with him these days. Although I would say that it is because he's always leveling so seriously, and I don't want to disturb him as it might make him lose a life, I have to admit that it is also my fault. I don't have the net capable to keep up with him, and most of the time, being laggy, I hardly play my main characters that are more closely linked to him. But sometimes, he still makes my heart skip a beat. For instance, when he asked me to take a walk with him in GH yesterday night. It brings back some cute memories off how we used to sit together in Payon Caves with all the zombies around, or sit together in GH with other undead monsters ^_^
But, I miss a lot of things that we used to do together. He'd make me happy just by doing small little things like, when we're playing together and his cafe is closing, he'd rush off to find another cafe that was still open. It may not have anything to do with me but those days always kept a smile on my face.
And then, I think a lot changed when he came back to Malaysia. I have to admit to being extremely eager at the prospect of meeting my RO bf. He called me from the airport, we talked for a few minutes before he said he had to end the call. He was running low on credit rather quickly. After that, I think he may have tried to call me a couple of times but I wasn't carrying my handphone. And so, I waited eagerly for days, because he said he'd come down to KL (he's from Ipoh) on the day before he leaves. On the last day itself, not having heard from him, I guess I was very pissed and disappointed. I wanted to end our relationship and leave his guild, but I just acted as if nothing happened. Although I do admit that I was acting a little cold.
He told me that he tried contacting me a few times but to no avail. He's gf had 'kept him a prisoner' in Ipoh because he was only back for a few days and she didn't want him to spend a day in KL. I have to admit that sounded quite funny, but after that I realised that he was only an online bf, it's just a game. I have no rights to him at all. I t kind of taught me a lesson not to place hope on anything and anyone in the game, and enforced my belief that I should maintain the 2 lives seperately for the fear of getting hurt. I was also rather surprised to hear about the gf bit, I thought he was single. He may have been referring to his ex, or he may have a gf, until now, I haven't approached him on that subject. Personally, if I know for sure that he has a real gf, I wouldn't be his RO gf because it just doesn't seem right, it feels like I'm a 3rd party in between the 2 of them.

Anyway, since the incident, I guess I haven't really been too close to Calv... sometimes I want to sit down and talk with him but it doesn't really happen. The small, short periods that I do get to spend with him is still nice though. But today, when my friends ask me what he got me for Valentines, or when people ask about the marriage system, I really just don't know what to think or say about it. It seems like some of the other presents I got had more thought put into it... and marriage just doesn't seem to be the right idea. I doubt even Calv wants to propose in the first place.

So anyway, in the picture walks Jin. I think I've mentioned how we've met. Although I'm not too clear about the event myself. But recently we've been spending time together. I find him fascinating, and attracted to his (what he claimed to be) his 'bad boy' attitude. The attraction lies more to being highly intrigued by his wild life, so unlike mine in many ways. However, I always felt that he was someone I enjoyed talking to and when he told me about his life, I'd laugh over it. But had I been in the position of being a part of his life, it wouldn't be funny, it may be perhaps painful to live, especially in the context of his gfs. He had 3 of them, although only one of them was partly serious, simultaneously. And he even labelled one of them as not really a gf, just a 'f*ck buddy'. Hearing about it makes me so :-S or >.< but not really in a bad way. But I did pity his gfs.
Anyway, things went wrong, somehow something happened and his serious gf broke up with him, apparently she was cheating on him as well. Then he broke up with the other 2. And he was telling me about how he had to spend CNY alone, and later Valentines and his birthday as well (the day after Vday). I guess i kind of pitied him and really wanted to cheer him up. And so I concocted a plan for his birthday. I got his phone number from Scott and planned a surprise bday wish at 12am on his bday ^_^
Anyway, Valentines day, just before the day ended, I went to see him in GH. Zera had been MIA pretty much the entire day and I just felt like I needed his company. A lot of things had happened right before then which I might enter into the next entry but not here. Anyway, when I met him, I got a nice surprise =) 1 chocolate, 1 bouquet, and 1 romantic flower. I was thinking about rejecting the last one but it was valentines day and it just seemed like something that would make me really happy then. ^_^
Anyway, at 12pm, I was sitting next to him in GH, and I called him on the phone... I couldn't help it but giggle a lot especially since I was just asking him (in the game) about his birthday wished from friends, and he said he hadn't had any yet. He was so blur, hadn't a clue about what was going on, who this stranger was and why she was wishing him happy birthday, not saying anything much but a sudden 'Bye'. So he messaged me in the game telling me about it. All I said was... want me to do it again? And then he was like.... YOU??? LOL!!! That's was so funny.... he kept going 'Do it again..again...' but I didn't. Malulah...
I just wanted to be able to put a smile on his face, even if it's just for a short while, like he has done me so many times before. Anyway, he later spent about 2 hours making me a present, also for Valentines, and I have to admit.... it's like the sweetest present I ever got. It was a drawing and a poem. And recently, I guess I've just started developing feelings for him, despite my warnings to myself that he really is not my type at all (This is before today, so it has nothing to do with the present).
Then later, we were chatting together when we teased each other about how much he sayang me and all, and I him, which I wouldn't admit to doing. And then he told me not to jual mahal too much or else he might also (coz I said it first) get bored of me. So I told him, I partly wished for that to happen, hence the whole conversation about why and what is going on and other things.
Anyway, the deal goes, we both like each other, but we are aware of our differences, and that I do have an online bf. At first he said he would keep a distance, and I told him not to worry about it, but he later added it was not only for my sake but for his :-S Hmm, that was really thought provoking. We talked more later, and after quite awhile, he suddenly said he wouldn't stop and the only thing I could do was to bar my characters from his. I really didn't know how to react then. T_T I really didn't want to but my head kept going, breaking up with Calv is definately not an option, I wouldn't even allow the thought of it. So after a long period of silence, I just told him to go to sleep. I seriously planned to bar his chats at that time. But he later said, he would stop, just give him time. I think the part that surprised me most was how he was saying that he was not interested in us as in the gaming part, but more in a personal sense, after I used Calv n Moon as an excuse. But he refused to delve into the topic and I didn't really want to talk about it either. Anyway... I don't know, nothing's going on atm, I've sent him off to bed ^_^ I like his latest status on msn though, but I guess it doesn make me feel a bit uncomfortable, it goes 'Steal, steal everything oso steal. Stolen alreadylar!!...Happy now? Let's go punch that marine sphere then'. It's so cute, it's referring to the time we were in Byalan. I was using my sin and since I had him as my walking potion, I didn't worry about getting hurt so I used steal on every monster around lol. That's when he kept saying steal steal, everything oso steal. So I stood next to him and said ... its' not working, cannot steal from you. Then he asked what I wanted to steal and I replied his heart ^_^

I told Ozee about the incident but he seemed distant, didn't really have much comments, and was quick to leave me and went off to bed. I guess he really didn't want to hear any of it, so I'm really sorry about that. Furthermore, there's Moon. I was chatting with him on msn today and he admits to still liking me, but it was quite a light topic, didn't seem to have any meaning behind it. He told me how he worked hard to improve his English lol =) I guess it was really sweet of him, but it's still a bit hard to understand though ^_~ But overall, he has a very nice personality and would be a nice bf to some girl out there who can click with him. I also found out something new.... he has a status on for so long, in thai, and I finally asked him today what it meant. He told me it means 'I really like you'. And to my surprise, it was actually referring to me (I didn't have a clue because I didn't know thai at all, obviously, so I wouldn't have known the meaning, and I was pretty sure the status came out after we broke up). His new status states (I'm not sure if it's for me again or not but it might be) something about not being the one but at least he tried hard... Hmm, it has changed again and I don't really know the latest one since it's in thai again I think. Oh, and later in the game, he mentioned again that he still likes me and asked if we could get back together. I turned him down of course, he has a gf now and I have Calv. But it's was just a light thing, we were just fooling around =)

Alright, this has been a really long entry and I should have been finishing my assignment which I started at 10pm, and it's 7.15am atm. All I've completed are 2 paragraphs. It's going to be a long day ahead...
I better end here, I also want to write about kessy, neal and jack but since it has nothing to do with me, I'll put it into the next entry when I have the time to. ^_^


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