I actually did it!

Wow, I can't believe I went through with it.
What am I talking about? Well, I mentioned in my previous entry about wanting to stop talking to biggles :P

I had actually thought about this earlier, but not seriously. The idea was that, we'd both run out of questions sooner or later anyway, so it had to end somewhere. Our conversations are basically asking each other a question about anything... seriously ANYTHING. I don't particularly mind being open to him about my personal details, in fact, I answered everything honestly except my name ^_^ Those that I missed out were due to reasons like not knowing the answer or not really having one :P

I got kinda attached to him though, that was a big problem for me. Coz I'm supposed to be studying and all... T_T. And plus, since I believed it was going to end at some point, I wanted to end it myself, the way I choose it =P It's not a permenant end though... I'll see him around soon enough I guess. But the important thing is that I don't plan on seeing him from now until my exam ends.

So here was how it went: This morning, I got around thinking about what kind of questions I'd like to ask. One of them was what would it be like if we met personally? I started churning my brains up for a story, made up of course, no particular intentions about it. And I came up with 2 versions. One would be a funny version, the 2nd would be more soap opera-ish. Love, drama, tragedy... all that kinda crap.

The funny one would be the one I'd tell first... I even started it off with his 'supposedly creative side' of story telling (which I labelled to be cliche-ish), "It was a dark and stormy night..." Just to kid him on, after all, that part first came from him :P Anyway, the summary of it is scaring him (lamely though) because he had no idea who was making funny noises outside his house. And visiting him very far later in the future when we're both really old, me with a walking stick and hearing problems... and a croaky voice too ^_^ It's silly of course... but I wanted something stupid and funny :P

Then there's the 2nd story :P This one I made up but didn't manage to tell it properly coz i forgot some of the details. How we'd meet up, he'd bring me to a party, we were supposed to be drinking n me getting high but i kinda forgot and left this part out. Then he had go somewhere for some reason, and just as he turns to leave, i grab his hand, pull him close and kiss him ^_^ Well, I did say I wondered what it was like to kiss him :P
Then we'd make out a little, sneak back to his place when everyone's asleep and smuggle into his room. Actually, this part was supposed to be optional, along with the next bit, but then due to some reasons that I'll explain later, it didn't happen that way. It was just suppose to be making out, but I just added a fast forward, so I suppose it leaves it up for interpretation. Next morning, he wakes up, and I'm gone. No sign of me, and he'll never see me again, ever. Not on RO, not on MSN. And years into the future, he'd be wondering if it ever happened or was it all a dream?

Well, the thing is, I arranged it in a way that the ending would partly match my 'break-up' with him. LOL. He was supposed to be able to throw in suggestions throughout the story but since I wanted him to not have a clue about what is going on, I told him to leave his pc for awhile... to grab a cup of coffee or something. So I can leave in peace. I forgot to hug him goodbye though :( I just rushed off n logged off. I won't be going online on MSN for quite awhile, until after my exams. I hope he doesn't hate me for doing this =( But I wanted to do something with an impact....after all, it is interesting to see how much of an impact one can leave behind in the lives of others.

Anyway, it's not like I won't see him again ever. Will he miss me? ^_^ I'll probably message him on RO if I see him there... I hope I don't get scolded off or something. Not even too sure if I'll be playing ORO next month or not. We'll see... Oh, and I also hope that he didn't take this thing too seriously. I was just having a little fun with him, nothing serious. That's why I started off the day with warning him with a question on whether he would take the flirts too seriously. Even the last question came with a warning. I told him it was the last question, and then repeated that again later saying it was the absolute last question. I'm not sure if he noticed anything though... he might have missed out on the hints : Ok, so now, I got off the RO addiction, Scott addiction, so I better start on the studies then. It's still not going too well T_T

Mood : Not too sure, I'm having fun with the entire story thing but I'm also very worried that he might hate me or something.

Termination tonight

It's gonna end today I think...

Is it mean to plan it ahead? I'm talking about my flirting with biggles :P Yeah... I still like him and all that but it's hard for it to continue rite? There's only so many questions u can ask someone you've never met before.

I wonder if this move is considered to be hurting him? :( But I don't really see us continuing our chat any longer than 1 week ^_^ But heck it was fun! I'll see him again but only after my exams, that is if all goes well T_T Well, I doubt my plans will work anyway, they hardly ever do : But we'll see... I wanna hear the answer to my final question for him, then I'll probably leave things the way they used to be. I'm still not sure if I'll be continuing ORO but if I do I'll see him there :P

For now, it's still question time... he just messaged, I hope he came up with a good one =) It's fun chatting if he has good ones...

Useless entries...

I just felt like writing something in... only thing I can think of is the fact that during exams, there are a whole lot more entries than usual.
It contradicts the situation:
Exam --> busy studying --> very free to write entries
Other times --> very free --> very lazy to write entries

But I think it's better explained:
Exam --> Boredom --> would do anything besides studying
Other times --> Bored too but at least I can go out --> might as well sleep instead of writing something

I'm curious, who actually reads my entries. I hope it remains as personal as I think it is. I moved it to the new site mainly to avoid any confrontations with anyone. I don't mind using real names now even... only because no one knows about this blog. Or I hope note. Come to think of it, I had a dreams this morning about the blog. I dreamt that some people I knew read my blogs... T_T But it ain't that bad, I don't intend to target any hate feelings to anyone through the blog. Mostly just personal opinions, for myself to analyse. Typing out my feelings and thoughts allow me to better analyse the positions of my thoughts. 10 years from now if the blog still remains, I'd probably read back on what I wrote and laugh at my immaturity and silliness.

I haven't bothered trying to put any thought provoking ideas in for so long. I missed the times when I'd debate among myself about ideas, situations and even philosophies. I guess my brain doesn't seem to function as much these days.

Last note: for some reason I had to add in the stupid phrase from the current song on my pc because it keeps playing in my head T_T
Shalalala U gotta kiss the girl ur gonna miss the girl =P

Lost in confussion...

I feel troubled... what would you do if u really like a guy, even if he goes against the current of your life?

I like biggles a lot, sometimes he's really sweet, thoughtful... and some other stuff about him just makes me wanna be with him. But I just don't know what to do about it. So far, I can't even find any flaw in his character at all. I enjoy talking to him, and I feel like I want know everything about him, every small little detail.
But at the same time, I want to stay away from him. CY has told me not to flirt around with guys when I told her about chatting with him. She doesn't know much, just the fact that we talk quite a lot. Did I realise I was flirting? I'm not sure, maybe... but I'd rather be in denial. But now there's the whole issue of sending wrong signals. Is it wrong to flirt with him if he already knows that he is not the type who would fit into my mould of someone I want to be with? I'm scared of being accused of leading him on.
I was sincere about wanting to be able to care about him and all that but he reminds me of Ozee. With Ozee, I had to warn him that just as he was the person I loved most, I didn't want him to place too much trust in me because I was aware that I would disappoint him. I wish I hadn't told biggles now that I did care. Because in a way, I'm scared of him and I want to avoid him. But now, I have to think about whether I would hurt him if I did so. And the last thing I want was to hurt him. But will I hurt him more if I continued talking to him? How do I draw a clear line for him to see that I need to keep my distance from him?

He has already dug into one of my worst traits, a weakness that I despise. Sensitivity... I don't want to care too much about people because I don't want to get hurt. And within a short period, he already managed to get to me. I hate being sensitive because I don't want to cry. Telling him about how I cried over Ozee's smoking issue... I don't think he would ever understand something like that. It meant a lot to me that Ozee would quit smoking for me. After he promised over and over. And how often I felt let down... so much so that I lost all hope in him. It wasn't the smoking part that really got to me. It was the thoughts that ran through my head, the need to scream at him that I didn't want to care if he continued to smoke or not, because I didn't want to feel that the person I loved most has betrayed my trust and made me lose hope.
In a way, I felt hurt too when biggles admitted that he had lied to me. At first, I think it didn't seem so bad. He said he had never had sex before, then later he changed his answer. When he mentioned it, I hadn't reacted much to it. I just thought, well, I can't expect him to be telling the truth about everything. But then later I just started crying. I really wanted to just ignore him, say goodbye and let it all end there. So I did... but when he asked if it was a goodbye for now or forever, it got me wondering. Was I over reacting? I liked him, he had his reasons for saying what he did... and I need to place him in a position of being just an online friend. Nothing more. I have different standards for different people, and if I wanted him to be just an online friend, I had to treat him that way. After all there was not much point in staying angry and crying over something stupid. Might as well, ignore the entire thing, pretend all is well and act happy.

Hmmm.... back to the avoiding issue, I still hadn't made up my mind. I want to avoid him for at least the moment. He really is distracting me from my studies =( And I have to be careful about how I answer his questions and everything. Sometimes I say what is on my mind, sometimes I hide things. The answer to the question on what was the last thing on my mind before I sleep, was the daily events... I go through the interesting things that happened during the day. I can't help it if he was my 'daily event' for the past 2 days =( ARRGGGHHH!!! I just feel like shoving him off a ledge or something!!!

Why is it that I had to like someone like him??? At least for the moment, whenever I think about it, I feel like I could care for him in a sisterly way... it's a could, but it's not exactly there coz I sometimes wonder what it would be like to kiss him T_T Incest??? =P ^_^

I'm hoping that Cy's return back here today can help me take my mind of him. I think he popped online just awhile ago, but from the looks of it, he's not on now. I want to avoid talking to him T_T Gonna keep myself invi for now. I'm not sure if I'll retain invi all day or just during the day. He keeps asking me if I'm bored :P Well, maybe, sometimes, I'm preparing myself to be bored of him very soon... how many questions can u ask about a person before there is nothing left to ask? But sometimes even if I'm a tad bored and not saying anything, I don't want him to leave. I like his company... but there's also the problem of liking his company a little too much T_T

I predict my grades are seriously going to go down the drain this sem. Does it matter? Grades vs Friends... friends I think. But only if I can handle the situation, which I can't at the moment.

Mood: Still thinking about pushing him off a ledge... I'm not interested in losing control of my life. Not all over again just after starting to get used to not having Ozee around. I need hugz =(

Another quick update

Well... it seems that biggles is back! LOL..stupid thing to say but I got a bit upset when he logged off suddenly yesterday :P
I went through the surprised, waiting, worried, pissed, insecure and whole range of emotions. And now he's back... and gone again bcoz his pc died again. But at least this time I'm aware of it ^_^
Even if I ask myself if I truly believe he would do anything harmful (this has something to do with the exact moment his pc died when we were chatting yesterday), my answer was that I seriously doubted it. But I can't help but feel worried... this is what I meant by feeling fragile around him :(

I don't understand larry sometimes... he shows mixed up signs. Is it one way or another? Aneeta is that way to me as well, but at least with her we've brought it up before. Larry's case is different... I wouldn't know how to approach the subject. It's easier to ignore everything...

I forgot to renew my library books T_T Looks like I'll have to pay a fine. No point calling in to do it now, I think it's already closed since it's supposed to be holiday week.

Mood : Happy... but I'm doing anything to avoid studying. Guilty??? Naaaahhh.... I think i'll try letting that feeling exist in me maybe on sunday...or maybe during the exam itself

Of RO, new friends and exams...

I seem to be digging a deeper and deeper hole for myself...

Last week was study week, or so they say. It was okay for me though, Kogila and Aneeta went home on Monday. CY booked her flight home for Wednesday... meaning that I had the place to myself. And so, I stayed on here till Friday, studying as much as I can. I knew that I wouldn't be touching my books much as soon as my feet touched ground at home.

But I didn't expect for myself to be EXTREMELY addicted to RO. At first I told myself, it's okay... P2P's gonna start soon. Play it now while you still can. I played seemingly non-stop from the moment I came home on Fri till Tues when I came back. I woke up btw 10-11 am, sat behind the pc, got up only for food, n slept at 5-6 am almost everyday. /swt

Surprisingly enough, I met more people in the past few days then I had over the past few weeks on RO. I think it had something to do with needing to accomplish priesthood before P2P, before I was forced to quit. And so I did something I rarely do... partying. I admit to being a soloist, I don't particularly like being tied down to another character or a group. Similarly, I don't join guilds for the same reason.

Mark of course, had been there for me right from the start... since we first met a few weeks ago. He was the first person I partied with on ORO, and he was with me every week. But then, came along other friends. There was DarkGeo, who I met through the constant plea for a heal. Until he actually stopped training to have a chat with me. He's the first person who gave me flowers there ^_^ Sweet guy, seems popular too. Through him I met Skyce, his guild leader and Imoshen / Quiet Water who invited me to join her guild, which I did for only a few days. He even proposed, which was so cute then... some guy asked us if we were married when we were chatting together in Orc Dungeon. He said brb... disappeared, and came back with a flower ring and proposed /heh.

Then there was R.A.G.N.A.R.O.K. who's a sin. He's a weird one... Indon guy studying in NZ. He seems to relate well to me, or so he claims. Kept asking me to party him to hit high orcs. He was the one who first labelled me a 'ind aco'. Only then that I realised how true he was :P We went dating to Prontera and Payon /heh. It's nice to meet a chinese who can't speak chinese, we both suffer the same problems T_T He asked for my MSN but until now, I haven't heard from him so well... there goes my date...

Daniel or Violence is the knight who ran around throwing free stuff... apparently for no reason. He later decided to help some acos, and a hunter to lvl up in GH. He brought his hunter, really high lvl, nice protector for us. He seemed truly nice, helpful and generous. Spent loads of zenys on stuff like ygg and others. But I guess he had the zenys to do it. After we quit GH, he went on to help me lvl up in Orc with his knight. Great guy...

Bigges is the most interesting I've come accross so far. Merchant, chatted with him the first time when I was in need of blue gems. Can't remember why I continued chatting with him, but at one point he said he was thinking of starting a new character, another merchant. So I helped him out... I kinda like tanking novices anyway ^_^ (which is surprising, coz last time with Mark, I said I looked up to him because he tanked, I won't tank, I only heal) I saw him through right till he became a merchant and a couple of lvls after that. After which he paid back the favour by staying up till 7am to increase 1 pathetic job lvl for me /heh. Pity we couldn't even share our partying, I guess that would have been a lot faster, but his merchant was a lot higher lvl than my aco was. Chatted with him a couple of times later, I think he was the only person on RO that I knew personal stuff about. So he seemed more like a friend than the others. And then we exchanged MSN, and got talking for hours yesterday night. I guess he must have been bored since he didn't have RO installed on his PC after formatting it. But it was great fun chatting with him. He has the qualities of people that I usually avoided meeting, unless they just happen to come across me. I don't think I really have anything against them, but I guess I avoid trouble. He smokes, drinks, clubs... so far its kewl coz that's like Ozee's friends anyway. Hmmm... not very sure if he's got into fights, probably got into and out of it by talking crap :P The he's the type who wants to stop studying and get a job :-& I'm attracted to his way of life... or at least hearing about it. He's interesting in that sense, but he reminds me too much of Ozee... from sleeping problems to smoking (and regretting smoking), problems with an ex, some tragedies in his past (Dad left his family when he was a kid)... funnily enough, I partly hate how I feel for him.
I keep thinking about the time when I got to know Ozee, and somehow felt a need and desire to make evrything right in his life. I was prepared to sacrifice almost everything I had, I wanted so desperately to show Ozee that the world was not a really bad place after all, that everything was gonna be better in the future. Of course, that was at the beginning :P before I started taking him a little too much for granted... not to say that I didn't love him coz I do... still do... he's my sweetheart.
Anyway, back to Biggles... it just occured to me that so many things about him and Ozee was similar, even the feeling I have... no not the love part :P Just the need to make or at least try to make him as happy as I can. Not sure why... I don't think it's something he needs. He seems to be doing well now, doesn't show any contempt for life like Ozee did last time. But I still find that he's the 2nd person in my life that I feel that way for. It's a problem for me though... he keeps running through my head. I don't wanna get too attached to an online friend because it never lasts. But I'm missing the chatting when he's not around. Furthermore, I hate the idea that I'm probably in the fragile position I hate again... damn I wish I wasn't so sensitive about things. I don't know if I still want to talk to him... as much as I like him, he's a distraction to my studies. A nice one though :P but still a distraction. Problem is, when I'm not talking to him, he's also a distraction, sigh... seems like there's no point in wanting to avoid him so I might as well talk to him ^_^
At some point or rather I'll probably scare him away anyway :P

My revision isn't going all that well, but surprisingly, this sem, I've just given up. I'm not in a mood to study... and I don't particularly care if my grades drop. However, I guess the only thing that I'm concerned about is if this may be the first sem that I may not be getting on the Dean's list??? Furthermore, I've only just signed up for Golden Key... first sem after joining, am I going to prove to them that I'm a useless member? :P Not to mention that my midterm marks weren't all that good after all. I seem to have lost the zest for studying. Oh well, only just 2 more sems of studies and 2 sems of industrial training and I'm off into the real world!!! Unless I decide to do Masters... still haven't decided. The part about doing it in Australia was decided long before though... now it's just a matter of doing it or not. I'd love the experience but is it necessary? I think I'm closer to yes at the moment... after meeting Dad's ex-student the other day...ahhh... I forgot his name already. But I have to say, he impressed me sooo much. His knowledge and experience in the economic and finance field. I want to study like he did ^_^ MBA in finance... I hope to be able to seem as knowledgeable as he seemed to me :P

And so I've wasted another hour or so doing anything and everything but studying. Go back to the books!!! Read!!! Take it all in..... hmmm.... maybe I should cook lunch, watch Gilmore Girls... ^_^ Ooohh...a lil neopetting... BAD BAD BAD... hai~~~ go study T_T